What Family Is
by stompy sara
Summary: Murdock has just gotten out of the VA for the first time. B.A. struggles with how he feels about it.


Title: What Family Is (Rita's Christmas Tree Challenge, Christmas 2000)

Author: stompy sara

Summary: Murdock has just gotten out of the VA for the first time. B.A. struggles with how he feels about it.

Rated: PG-13

Warnings: maybe some language.

Notes: This is a response to Rita's Christmas Tree Murdock Challenge (VA). Man, every time I think, "oh, I'll write something happy this time!" it somehow goes awry. Ah well. Maybe next time *eg*!

***

December 23, 1974

Dear Mama,

I'm sorry I can't see you again this Christmas. Don't worry about me though. Hannibal has us hidden and we'll be okay.

***

He didn't want this. There was too much behind it (like everything) that could suddenly not be there, and he didn't know if he could handle that. What do you do when you look at someone and suddenly realize, you have no idea who they are?

B.A. had shaved his head again that morning. Hannibal was irate - said he stood out a mile and they were supposed to _blend_, remember? B.A. retorted that he had never fucking blended, and he wasn't gonna start now, fugitive or no. 

Murdock was sitting on the couch. B.A. didn't want to talk to him, yet. Shatter the memory of (the one who made me laugh, the only one) what their friendship had been. Hannibal and Face in the kitchen. Murdock grinned at him. It only made B.A. sad.

***

We brought Murdock out for the first time. Remember that pilot I wrote you about? He's been in the hospital this whole time but we finally got him a pass. He looks thin. And his eyes are all messed up, like he don't see us sometimes. He talks to himself, and these people only he can see. It scares me.

***

His clothes hung on him, even more than usual. B.A. scowled at his boots, slouched in the chair as the silence lengthened, noticed how tightly Murdock had his arms crossed, like he was hugging himself. B.A. frowned and said the first thing that came into his head then.

"What they do to you in there?"

A ghost of something familiar flitted through Murdock's eyes, his smile easing into one that B.A. remembered. "They do their best, B.A. I'm alright."

"You tellin' me the truth, brutha?"

"I always tell the truth, B.A."

Face stuck his head around the kitchen door. B.A. begged him with his eyes, but Face just smiled nervously and disappeared again. Murdock was looking around slowly, like a man in a trance. B.A. wondered what he was on. Then hated himself for thinking it. At least he recognized them now. Not like before. That day they tried to visit, and he took one look at them, and started screaming. Face flinching like he'd been hit. They hadn't said anything on the ride back.

***

No one's been to visit him there, except us. He don't talk about his family much. He's like Face when it comes to that. I know his father's still around, but he don't know where and I don't think he cares. After everything we all been through, I'm glad we could get him out, even if it's only a couple days.

***

Face had outdone himself this time. A friend of his had loaned him the cabin for three weeks, a huge place with four bedrooms and two floors. He'd decorated too, a wreath on the door and ribbons and a big tree they'd found only yards away from the back door. It glittered now in the firelight. B.A would never tell him, but he was glad of the decorations. It reminded him, not too painfully, of being home. He didn't think he could stand another Christmas like last year, running from one rundown hotel to another. And Murdock stuck (alone, always alone) in the VA.

He watched Murdock get up, moving as in a dream, and walk over to the tree, touch the ornaments one by one, smile a long time at a tiny glass reindeer. He'd shed his leather jacket, and stood there childlike in a gray plaid flannel shirt and jeans, sneakers on his feet. He was humming now. B.A. craned his neck to hear. "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer, had a very shiny nose. . ."

***

Maybe next year, I could bring him home with me. You'd like him Mama. He's real nice and polite, not like me. At least he is until he gets mad. Still, he mostly kept me from getting in too much trouble. But you know all that. I guess I just hope he's still the guy he was back there, in Vietnam.

***

Murdock turned to look at B.A., one hand still holding the glass reindeer. Looked through him. B.A. shivered before he could stop himself.

Murdock said, softly sing-song, "Remy asked me the other day if you're still pissed at him."

"Say what?"

"He thinks you're still mad 'cause he couldn't shoot that day in the chopper."

B.A. found himself standing, fists clenched, but no one to fight. He almost shouted, almost. Stopped himself in time. As quietly as possible, he said, "Murdock. Remy's dead."

Murdock blinked. "He is? When? Where?"

"Two years ago, Murdock. Two years, you hear what I'm sayin' to you?"

He was so still, B.A. wondered if he should repeat himself. Then he noticed the blood, dripping rapidly onto the wooden floor. In two strides he crossed to where Murdock stood, grabbed his wrist.

He'd crushed the reindeer, glass grinding into his palm.

"Hannibal!"

***

What if he's broken, Mama? I don't know if I can handle that.

***

They got the blood to stop somehow. Murdock was quiet as Face wrapped a bandage around the mess he'd made of his hand. B.A. stood far away. He knew what his face looked like, and he couldn't help it. Hannibal was throwing away the pieces of glass he'd picked out of the pilot's skin and swept up off the floor. B.A. heard the door swing open, knew the Colonel was standing not far away and behind him.

"You alright, B.A.?"

"Man don't talk right, Hannibal. Talkin' to people that ain't there."

"I know."

"Hurtin' himself cuz he don't know what's goin' on. What we gonna do? Watch him all the time? I ain't gonna do it, Hannibal. No way."

"Okay."

"Fool's gonna drive me crazy right along with him."

Murdock looked up then. B.A. clenched his jaw, severing emotion. Sometimes those eyes were just - 

"I'm sorry about the reindeer." Face froze, then continued wrapping his hand as though Murdock hadn't spoken. Murdock was looking at B.A. still. Expecting an answer.

"S'alright." (God, god, don't look at me like that!)

"Sometimes I think it's still - like we're all still over there. I blink my eyes and there's one thing I see with my head while my body's here, goin' through the motions. It's getting better, though."

"Yeah." Sure it is.

He couldn't stay mad though. Looking at Murdock, so small on the couch, that terrible institution haircut and the way his shoulders were all slumped, he felt the anger just melt away. He could never stay mad at Murdock. At least he knew that much was unchanged. The rest, he guessed he'd have to deal.

***

I been thinking about it a lot, and I think it'll be alright. We just gotta get used to each other again, is all. It's still Murdock underneath all the hurt and the fear and everything. It'll be okay.

***

Hannibal handed his special eggnog all around. The four of them sat staring into the fire for awhile, letting the rum burn down into their stomachs, wash memory away or at least help take the edges off. The holidays were always the hardest. B.A. looked at each of them, Hannibal, Face, Murdock. Murdock was smiling into his eggnog, humming again, his hand forgotten. B.A. took a deep breath, carefully laid a hand on the pilot's shoulder. Murdock looked up dreamily.

"You alright?"

"Mm-hmm. Hey B.A., you know I've been thinkin' about the tree."

"Yeah?" Warily.

"Well, trees are living, breathing beings just like us, right? But then we go and chop it down and drag it away from it's family, prop it up all alone and cold with all the other murdered trees, just so people can have their living rooms smell like pine every Christmas. That's not really in the spirit of the season, is it? I mean, we're supposed to be giving peace and goodwill to everyone, but we treat the trees like, like material objects. Things to be used. Just more scrap for the - "

"God's sake, man, what you on about? Just a tree."

"Just a tree, B.A.? Just a tree? Why, that's not a very liberal-minded attitude!" Murdock swept his arms wide, B.A. grabbing one to prevent eggnog in his lap, his face animated, that twinkle ( - it's still there. Good - ) in his eye that B.A. knew too well. So. Not everything changed.

Soon the pilot (will he ever fly again?) had Face engaged in a lengthy discussion B.A. tuned out. He knew Hannibal was watching them too. And him. Gauging reactions. Knowing smile that B.A. grudgingly shared. Secretly, kept even from himself, B.A.'s heart warmed, watching Murdock and his antics. For now, it was enough.

***

Well, I better go now. Give my love to Grandpa and David and the kids. I know a lot of things have changed the past couple years, but don't worry about me. I can take care of myself, plus it looks like I gotta take care of Murdock now too. But you always did it for me before, so I guess I can do it for him. That's what family is. We look out for each other. I love you Mama.

Your son,

Bosco

***

~ end ~


End file.
